How to bankrupt your Human


Get a bit thin, thinner than usual, moult a lot, and then let your Human look in your mouth to see how your remaining teeth are doing. Watch Human recoil in horror on discovering that many of the remaining teeth seem to have disappeared.

Human will then google “my cat’s teeth are disappearing” or something intelligent like that, and read a terrifying article about tooth resorption and its dangers, and promptly take you to the vet.

The vet is a Hateful Brute who pretends to be nice. Humans like him, and say he’s excellent with cats. That’s what they think. Out of their sight, he will stick needles in you, he will pull some of your teeth out, lock you in a cage, and refuse to let you go home with your Human for ages.

This time the Hateful Brute seems not to be bothered about the missing teeth, but he tells the Human to leave you with him, to carry out blood tests. The Human falls for this yet again, and goes home without you. Later, the Hateful Brute phones the Human to say it’s not a thyroid problem as first thought, but diabetes, and that you must now be kept prisoner overnight until you produce a urine sample to test.

The next day, Hateful Brute and Human talk. You haven’t got full-blown diabetes, but your blood sugar level is higher than normal. You must be monitored, whatever that means, but for now, are being released.

The Humans come to take you home, and you follow them around all day, crying and acting all pitiful, just to make your point. The Humans say they don’t need any points being made, thank you; they say they have just shelled out almost £200 and don’t you think you’ll be getting Christmas this year. Oh no.

Seems that sympathy is index-linked round here.


4 thoughts on “How to bankrupt your Human

  1. After all the love and devotion you have shown, following her (nearly) to the ends of the earth, putting up with all the other inmates, being amusing, decorative, faithful. You’d think a little vet’s bill would be nothing in return for all that. Besides – you’re the one with hardly any teeth left!

  2. Edgar just wanted me to pass on one of his vet visit tips. “Yowl all the way to the vet office, all of the time you’re there, and all the way back again. The kind of racket you’re aiming for is something like a poor creature caught in a leg hold trap. Sadly, it won’t stop them taking you to that hell hole every once in a while, but at least you’ll feel you’ve had a small measure of revenge — especially when you see your human shakily reaching for a bottle of Paracetamol when you finally arrive home.”

  3. Oh, poor Lottie. But at least it is early stage diabetes and a “correct diet” may be all you need. Perhaps a pill.
    Dr. Vet thought Geiger had diabetes and she had to have “special’ biscuits and a blood test every 3 months.And then, one day, they said she was all better and didn’t need the “special” biscuits anymore.
    (And if you don’t cry too much I expect Christmas will probably be reinstated.Purring and sitting sedately will help.)

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